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Now for the next installment in the series: 5 HABITS OF THE EFFECTIVE MENTOR. (NOTE: a little longer intro than usual, but hang with me!)
Mentoring happens anytime we influence other people, or even just one person, young or old. Sometimes the very best role a mentor can play is to simply listen and allow a person to sort through their thoughts. It’s easy to feel like we’ve done nothing if all we’ve done is listen, because we forget how meaningful it really is.
Sadly, an open ear and a caring heart can be the hardest things to come by in our world.
When we do encounter it, we feel valued, appreciated, respected, each of which invariably leads us to better decision making. So, mentoring is not necessarily taking someone “under your wing,” and it’s definitely not talking down to them. Instead…
Mentoring, in general, is “helping someone through.”
Through what? A stage, a tough decision, a funk, a slump, a traumatic event, a good issue but one that involves multiple choices, a period of life like adolescence or early adulthood, a negotiation, a new job offer, entering a new school, moving into a new neighborhood or even a new culture.
Mentoring, in this sense, happens all the time: when I’m trying to explain my position or share my opinion, when I’m teaching someone a new skill, when I’m trying to resolve a difference. Not like “okay honey, I’m going to mentor you into seeing things my way.” Make no mistake…
Outcome-based manipulation is not mentoring.
Unfortunately, there are many teachers who manipulate for outcome, the outcome being test results. “If I can just manipulate their minds to receive this input so that when they’re tested they’ll give the right output, I’ll keep my job.” It makes us grateful for the good teachers.
So, it’s the motive that makes the difference. And if influence is what we seek, then the best motive is honestly and deeply…
1. CARING
An effective mentor knows that to express a caring heart is the best way to induce one. Caring, on the part of the mentor, is the most important motive, and getting it to happen on the part of the one being mentored is the most important goal.
Too many people in our world care about nothing.
There is no great, burning passion inside them that drives them toward anything particular. They’re just peddling their way through life.
Everyday you and I have the opportunity affect passion in the hearts of those around us. If we can cause someone to truly care about something, we have accomplished everything.
When passion is invoked, all the rest are details.
The saying goes no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. I would add:
…And even when someone does know how much you care, they probably still don’t care how much you know, but the fact alone that you care means the world to them.
Caring, even when expressed to a total stranger in a seemingly minor situation, leads to…
2. RELATIONSHIP
Where I have no relationship, my job is to keep my mouth shut except in the most extreme circumstances. Something like, “look out, there’s a car coming!”
We only have the right to speak into someone’s life when we have earned it through relationship.
Effective communication is founded upon trust and mutual respect. Where there is no trust or respect, even in the most subtle sense, there is no relationship and very little hope for influence.
Once there is relationship, then I can open my mouth, but only to create…
3. DIALOGUE
There must be two-way conversation. If I am the only one speaking, mentoring probably isn’t happening. Though it can often mistaken for it…
Moralizing is not mentoring.
Until I’ve heard the listener’s interpretation of my words, I have no way of telling whether I’ve influenced them or confused them. All I can hope for, at best, is compliance, which is only good for the short term.
Dialogue is best insured with open-ended questions like:
- “How can I help/How can I be your friend?”
- “What are your thoughts?”
- “How do you feel?”
- “Would it help if…?/Does that help at all?”
- “Is there anything you think should be added to the discussion?”
- “What’s something you learned from this?”
- “Where can you see this taking you in the future?”
Questions I must AVOID include (several of which I personally stumble into way too often when it comes to my sons):
- “Did you hear what I said?”
- “Are you listening to me?”
- “Must I repeat myself or can you repeat it for me?”
- “This is the last time we’ll have this discussion… right?”
- “You didn’t just screw up again did you?”
- “Do you just want this problem to continue?”
- “Are you stupid!?”
Speaking of screwing up, an effective mentor learns to not flinch or hesitate when it comes to displaying…
4. TOLERANCE
Mistakes or misinterpretations must be defused and re-framed as essential, even unavoidable, aspects of the learning process. They should be expected and accepted, because we know that…
Most success stories only happen after many repeated, failed attempts.
But when honest mistakes contain the venom of judgment, reprimand, and failure, then you can forget about a person ever trying again. Once we’ve been stung by a mistake, we’ll do anything to avoid future ones, including settling into a place of developmental stagnation.
Mentoring means learning to allow, encourage, even celebrate mistakes, much in the same way chemists do, knowing that they learn as much if not more from the many failed attempts as they do from the one successful attempt. I do this best by maintaining…
5. PERSPECTIVE
I must keep myself in others’ shoes by constantly putting myself in learning situations. I can’t forget what it was like when I was the one learning. By staying humble and observant of my own struggles during the process, I will more fully appreciate theirs’.
The best mentor is one with a great memory.
This explodes the topic to deal with all kinds of arenas:
- Bands/recording artists must remember the listener’s perspective.
- Authors must remember the readers’ perspective.
- Teachers must remember the students’ perspective.
- Businesses must remember the customers’ perspective.
- Physicians must remember the patients’ perspective.
- Parents must remember the children’s perspective.
Each of these categories of people are fulfilling mentoring roles, even if in the loosest sense of the word.
How about you… have you ever mentored anyone? Have you ever been mentored by someone? Feel free to share your comments and let’s DIALOGUE!
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It’s interesting to compare mentoring and parenting. We can easily forget that when we’re raising children we should at times treat them the same way we would anyone else, with respect, openness, consideration, as an individual person. A mentor would never answer the question “why” with the old parental response “because I said so.” Which is probably why a mentor gets better results at times than parents!
Comment by Chuck Tobias May 22, 2009 @ 11:38 amWell put Chuck! I wish I could say I’ve never told my sons “because I said so.” As a music teacher I love the question “why?” but I guess I’m like so many other parents when it comes to being impatient when my boys ask “why?” –Thanks for helping me putting that back into PERSPECTIVE!
Comment by Mike Roberts May 22, 2009 @ 11:41 am